Each night I would find myself sobbing in the shower.
The day had started before the sun rose.
Instantly I was in battle mode.
It was all encompassing.
I was desperately grasping to a sense of hope – trying to provide normalcy and meet my expectations of parenting my beautiful sons and daughter.
My belly was growing – our rainbow baby was on the way and my heart was always racing. Worries became overwhelming and I felt like life was spiralling out of control.
The baby who had arrived at our home nearly 2 years before hand one Saturday morning as an emergency placement for a couple of nights had grown into a little boy. Each day I learnt more about trauma in utero, that nature had an impact that often beat nurture and that I was not the patient woman that I thought I was. There was no doubt that I loved this little boy but I knew we were not the best home for him. I couldn’t give him the presence he needed while also providing the love, care and attention to my other children.
I had failed.
Or so I thought.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing and sometimes you don’t get to watch God’s hand at work in the life of a foster child that you have said goodbye to, but, I have had the absolute privilege of seeing God turn something that felt so terrible into something so much bigger then I could imagine.
This little boy has taught me more about God’s character, His Goodness and His perfect timing then any sermon, or years of sermons ever could. Holding on to something that wasn’t right for fear of letting go would could have led to a not only that little boy, but my whole family missing out on what God had intended for us.
Four years later that little boy is still very much a part of our family, but even more then that, he is a part of a bigger family that are on mission together to reach, restore and reproduce more safe homes for families. When that little baby on that Saturday morning had his whole world ripped from him, it was always intended that he become a part of his forever family. We were never meant to hold on forever, and while at the time that felt like failure, I wish I had had more faith that God knew and loved this child more then I ever could.
Through this lesson, The ARK W.A. family was born. The joint commitment to raise this little boy in one Big family, as well as the other children in our home then and those that would come in the future, gave us a hint of what God made us for. Sharing the big moments, the little ups and downs, the scary, the messy and the wonderful has given us the strength to love over and over again. To reach out to others to pray for our children, it has spurred us on to learn more so that we can help to restore the brokenness in the lives of our children and through that we are beginning to see more and more people step into the world of foster care. This little boy started a movement…who would have thought? I never would have believed that this could be possible as I sobbed in the shower at the end of a 16 hour day.
I hope this is a little bit of encouragement for you if you are in the battle. If you have said no. If you want to say no but are fearful. If you think you have failed. Sometimes we need to let go so that God can take the battle on for us.