Adley asked me today why are we having another baby. I don’t think my answer was great but it satisfied his curiosity and he went on to ask me what the princess in Shrek is called.
All I ever remember wanting to be was a mum. To have a baby to love and take care of and teach and reach out to. I don’t know if my daydreams about motherhood ever went to a place where I would lie in bed and wonder what I did right for my kids today, or how many times I lost my temper with them or how my 4 year old was sure to already hate me. Being a mum is so much more then I thought it would be!
Yesterday was a ‘bad’ day in mum world. I was grumpy, it was hot and we had no plans. Add an energetic 4 year old boy who has been cooped up inside for nearly a month out of his normal routine waiting for a baby who was supposed to arrive just after Christmas and you don’t get a good mix. After putting him to bed (early) and quickly escaping outside to the front bench with Pride and Prejudice, that terrible guilt set in! No one told me about mother guilt all those times I dressed up my dolls and lovingly took care of them! I ended up putting Pride and Prejudice down, having a tear filled shower and curling up into bed to erupt in sobs every now and then. I could put all this down to the fact that it was a 40 degree day and I am 41 weeks pregnant or I could actually sift through the mother guilt and pull out the pieces that I can actually do something about to being the mum Adley need’s me to be.
Somehow through my irrational brain I decided that when Adley woke up this morning, I would get up with him. Give him a cuddle and tell him we had a promise to make to each other. Being the ‘adult’ that I am, I had to take at least some of the responsibility…..he is only 4 🙂 And today we managed to keep our promise. I tucked him into bed tonight and I didn’t mind reading him that extra long story, or going in for an extra cuddle. We had fun today and I enjoyed seeing his smile and answering his many…..many questions. So…why are we having another baby? Being a mum is so much more of a challenge then I ever thought it would be, but it is so much more rewarding then I ever dreamed possible. Loving one baby is scary, it is unbelievable how much your heart lives out of your body after the birth of your first child. With the second, it is wonderful to know that you have created two people who will always be family, who will always look out for each other and love each other…..your heart still fearfully loves your babies but it is made a little easier knowing they have each other. And a third….well, we are still waiting to see. But when you have 2 beautiful children and God has given you a desire for another, how can you not want to create that love all over again!